“We are center to the story.” These numbers are part of a larger shift that Jackson and other experts have observed when it comes to modern friendship. These relationships are increasingly seen as something to engage in when it’s convenient or beneficial — specifically when they are beneficial to you. In short, friendship today has a touch of selfishness.

Everyone wants to have good friends but are less concerned with how to be a good friend. Most people say friendship is important to them, but often act in ways that contradict that sentiment. We want friends to show up to our birthday parties but might not bat an eye at canceling on them.

We yearn for connection but only want to hang out if it’s at the right time, right place, and with the right people. Otherwise, staying home is far more appealing. “The socializing opportunity has to be so overwhelmingly positive or appealing that it’ll tip the scale,” William Chopik, an associate professor of social and personality psychology at Michigan State University, told Vox.

And platonic relationships are still generally considered secondary to romantic ones, mere nice-to-haves to fill the hours when your partner is busy. The inherent self-centeredness of social media, where you are the main character, and the popularity of AI chatbots that are always available and never tire of hearing about your life, may also be skewing our idea of what it means to be a friend. One of Chopik’s students casually likened friends to NPCs — a non-playable character populating the background of a video game — as if your BFFs lack an inner life or purpose of their own.

While you are certainly the main character in your own life, you’re not the center of your friends’ worlds. Selfishness is the biggest contributor to friendship breakups, according to behavioral science research, which means that stepping outside of yourself and making an effort to be a good pal can be the difference between a lasting friendship and a failed one. Selflessness doesn’t mean people pleasing or being a doormat; it’s more about considering how you can enrich your friends’ lives to harbor goodwill.

And it involves looking at what you bring to the table instead of only thinking about what your friends can offer you. Would you be friends with you? People often consider how their friends can augment or support their lives but fail to think whether they would meet those same standards.

Jackson suggests getting specific with all of the qualities you look for in a friend: a good listener, supportive, doesn’t cancel plans, offers tangible support when needed, among others. “Could another person say you’re doing a great job of actively meeting those things?” Jackson said. In reflecting on this, you may start to see areas where you could be a little more selfless.

For instance, maybe every hangout with a particular friend involves getting dinner because you enjoy it, but you never stopped to ask whether that’s what they want to do, or you assumed it was fine because they’ve never pushed back. The relationship shouldn’t be solely on your terms. Being a good friend is more than simply holding affection for another person, which can be amorphous and hard to define.

Instead, think of concrete examples of what Jackson calls “inconveniences” to gauge the extent of your selflessness. A friend called in a panic about their sick child, and you helped talk them through the emotions. You attended a friend’s poetry reading on the other side of town after a particularly hectic day.

The goal here is to take stock of tangible ways you’ve performed the work of friendship that solely benefit the other person. Of course, it’s natural to focus on your own desires and preferences. But the people who are “communally motivated” — inspired to care for the welfare of others — tend to have better relationships and are happier overall.

“How can we be more communally motivated?” said Bonnie Le, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “I think about it as being attuned to what other people need.” That might mean planning an at-home movie night for a friend who lost their job and is looking to save money or thinking of other ways to cheer them up that you know they’d really appreciate. You’re reflecting on the context and constraints of their life to craft a hangout that benefits them, even if it’s slig