It can be frustrating and more often than not, predictable. Looking for more thought-provoking reads? Try our Life section.

While I can only speak for myself, the truth is most of us have a default ‘argument style’ we fall into when emotions run high. It’s shaped by everything from how we grew up, to how safe we feel being vulnerable. And while it’s totally normal for conflict to arise, understanding your patterns (and your partner’s) can be the difference between a fight that spirals and one that actually resolves something.

According to Breanna Jayne Sada, psychologist and host of the Let’s Reconnect podcast, conflict itself usually isn’t the problem, it’s how we handle it. Therefore, the key to having a successful resolution is figuring out your style, and what to do with that information. The different argument styles As Breanna explains, “most people tend to lean toward a few common conflict styles, often shaped by personality, stress levels, family modelling, and past relationship experiences.” You might recognise yourself as a ‘pursuer’, someone who wants to address issues immediately, seeks reassurance and pushes for quick resolution.

In contrast, ‘withdrawers’ often need space and time to regulate before they can engage productively. These two styles frequently show up together in relationships, creating a push-pull dynamic that can escalate quickly if neither person understands what’s happening. Other styles tend to be more reactive.

Some people become defensive, putting their energy into explaining, denying or counterattacking rather than hearing the concern. Others lean critical, expressing frustration through blame, sweeping statements or personal attacks. There’s also a passive style, where someone says very little outwardly but builds resentment internally over time (guilty), which can eventually surface in less constructive ways.

At the healthier end of the spectrum is the collaborative style. This is where both people stay respectful, communicate clearly and work toward a shared solution, even if emotions are running high. Breanna also references John Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen’ of conflict – criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling – which are particularly damaging patterns that can erode trust and connection if they become habitual.

Importantly, your argument style isn’t a fixed trait. “Most people move between styles depending on stress and context,” Breanna says, but recognising your default responses when emotions spike is a crucial first step toward changing the pattern. Why self-awareness changes everything If you’ve ever walked away from a fight wondering how on earth it escalated so quickly, you’re not alone.

Many people argue on autopilot, without pausing to consider what’s actually happening in the moment. According to Breanna, this lack of awareness is often what keeps couples stuck in the same cycles. “Understanding your own style helps you notice whether you escalate, avoid, become sarcastic, shut down or struggle to listen under stress,” she explains.

“Self-awareness creates choice, which means you can respond more intentionally rather than react emotionally.” When you stop to think (and breathe), you can choose a different response that’s more aligned with what you actually want from the conversation. That shift is powerful because it creates space between emotion and behaviour. Over time, even small changes in how you respond can significantly improve how conflicts play out.

It’s also worth remembering that arguing isn’t inherently bad. “Disagreement and conflict is inevitable in most relationships, but that doesn’t mean it has to be unhealthy.” When approached with awareness and care, conflict can actually strengthen a relationship by encouraging honesty and understanding. Learning your partner’s style Understanding your own patterns is one part of the equation.

In most cases, the real friction comes from the interaction between two different styles, rather than the issue being argued about. As Breanna puts it, “Often couples are not fighting only about the issue itself, but about how each person handles conflict. “If one partner needs immediate discussion and the other needs time to think, both can misread the other as uncaring or controlling.” These misunderstandings can escalate quickly if they’re taken personally.

“Understanding each other’s style can reduce personalising the behaviour,” she explains, and helps couples create a more balanced and respectful process for navigating disagreements. This might mean agreeing on when to talk, how to take breaks or how to signal when a conversation is becoming overwhelming. What happens when you don’t understand each other